Permissible but not Beneficial

In Paul's first letter to the Corinthians, he addresses a question he received concerning food offered to idols. When this letter was written, people had invented a so-called TJ Maxx of meat distribution. After food was sacrificed to a pagan idol, it could be sold at a cheaper price than if you bought it straight from the butcher. One group of Christians thought it was sinful to eat this 'defiled' meat and the other group figured it wasn't a big deal because idols aren't real (and a good deal is a good deal, am I right?) 

We love approaching a wise person and thinking a black and white question automatically renders us a black and white answer. Paul goes beyond their surface level reasoning and goes straight to the heart of the matter. He basically says: Who cares? Food doesn't bring me closer to God and neither does abstaining. But if eating this meat or not eating this meat causes someone to stumble, then I'll be a vegetarian the rest of my life. This life isn't about what you can get away with without sinning. 

I recently finished a month long fast. It all began when I started combing through areas of my life that I thought were weak. I noted what I did in my free time and where my 'daydreams' took me when I let my mind wander. I noticed a trend, or a correlation, if the nerdy behavior analyst in me speaks up. When I was free to do whatever I wanted or think about whatever I wanted I noticed I enjoyed planning for a life that hadn't started. What I mean is that through blogs, books and podcasts I learned how to:

Set boundaries with the boyfriend I didn't have

Submit with love to the husband I didn't have

Involve my friends in the relationship I didn't have

etc.

etc.

I love to read blogs and books about seeking wise relationships. These things are good, right? They are created to encourage me as a single woman to chase after relationships that edify Christ.

The great Matthew Henry says, "Those who allow themselves in every thing not plainly sinful in itself will often run into what is evil by accident, and do much mischief to others." 

After much prayer, I realized that these things were worth abstaining from, because they often caused me to think too much about the future. It was one thing to desire a relationship or marriage, but another when my 'prepping' became a way for me to ignore the life I had right in front of me. So, I pulled the plug. I put away all the books, turned off the sappy songs, deleted all the podcasts and unsubscribed from all the blogs. I missed Taylor Swift within 24 hours, I will admit freely. 

Paul says, "Knowledge puffs up, while love builds up." 

I had the knowledge. I had done my research. Searching for knowledge had become a sort of idol that could've been potentially destructive for my future relationships. So, for a month I loved God and the people I do life with, by passing on anything relationship or romance related. It was hard and sometimes it felt legalistic. But thirty days later- it was to my greatest benefit. I realized there are so many other things to read and think about. I realized I wasn't as interested in a relationship as I thought. When his Word was my only 'advice column' or 'how-to' book, I was amazed at how life-giving the scriptures are. Most importantly, I realized God was working through me in bigger ways than I knew. It took abstaining from a permissible thing to see where He was and how I could join Him. 

...And it was good

About four years ago, my mom bought me a beautiful, handmade scrub top from Guatemala. She intended to give it to me as a gift for when I became an occupational therapist. I took a class in high school that introduced me to various medical professions and decided then I wanted to become an OT. I spent the next seven years pursuing this dream. It's funny how we think we know ourselves. We think we completely understand our own strengths and what areas of life we excel in. For me, I was convinced that helping others through this field was my calling.

Ah, failure. It was not to be. I did not have a 3.9 GPA and had not experienced an outstanding tragedy to give my application the extra sparkle it needed to stand out among hundreds.

Thus, my journey in applied behavior analysis began. It literally began as a google search after I interviewed for a job at an autism clinic (a job I did not get.) I thought it sounded interesting, as I had been greatly fascinated with autism spectrum disorders for many years. Going from my pursuit of occupational therapy to something else....was it possible? How does one give up on a dream after thousands of hours have been spent in it's foreboding presence?

I think the will of God is often communicated through a still, small voice. But in my case, the will of God was like a slamming screen door. One door closed and wouldn't open no matter how hard I pushed on it. It is really difficult to leave behind a dream. I look back and realize, however, that my inflexibility showed a lack of faith in a better path. A path that led me towards a mysterious and often frustrating God, not a 'career.'

I chased another dream and became myself. Something about that sounds so mystical and silly, but it's what happened. I still remember coming home from a class in grad school and crying because I realized how much I loved ABA and would have never gotten there without failing for all those years.

On Monday, I found out I passed my rigorous certification exam to be a Board Certified Behavior Analyst. Not a big deal to anyone outside the field, but life changing for someone like me. The funny thing about the scrub top from Guatemala is...that's what I wear to work now. Even though it's not being used as it was intended...it was all part of the plan for my life.

I could turn this into a Joel Osteen style speech where I say that God will give you success if you believe in yourself and trust that he wants you to be happy. But that would be a lie. God {allowed} me to fail...and fail...and fail. I experienced success because grace is greater than all my sins. I am not entitled to a great job, a husband, wealth or happiness. I learned to love God as I watched him love me and saw it was all grace. He witholds nothing good. I failed for seven years...and it was good.

Bless the Lord, O my soul.

What Women Want

Only one man has lived who fully understood 'what women want.' The story says that He goes down to a well one day and in pure honesty, tells this lady straight up, "He's not going make you happy." She's completely taken aback by this revered, high society gentleman speaking to her about her personal life. Much less a subject she didn't want anybody knowing about.... her sex life. 

"That guy you're sleeping with, the one who loves you when the lights burn low, is the same one who drains it all out of you the next morning. He's like this well. You don't come to the well once in a lifetime. You're here every day. Every single day you have to come to this well because you're thirsty. And you're never going to stop being thirsty. You can give him exactly what he wants, when he wants it, and believe he really loves you. But after awhile, your tongue is parched again and wants a drink."

Women were created to be protected and cared for. The problem is we settle for the tangible. We settle for what's right in front of us instead of looking beyond into the captivating currents of the eternal.  "I am He," he tells her. He's says he's the living water that fills you up over and over again. The water that fills you up so you don't need to stick it out with a guy who won't marry you. She tells him she wants the living water; she wants it right away. 

Jesus is what we all want, but we search everywhere else because He makes us uncomfortable. The odds are, this woman wasn't sleeping around for the fun of it. She was sleeping around to keep food in her belly. What kind of man calls a woman out for using her body to stay alive? The only man who can call a woman out for this is a man who knows that there are things more important in life than food in our belly. Or a man's arms around our waist. 

Jesus shows us that we are ridiculous creatures who are all one decision away from screwing everything up--on a daily basis. We will chase after something even while it crushes us, in hopes of it one day filling the void. Jesus holds up our chains and says we will be a prisoner as long as we look for freedom in the tangible. When we ask for the water; the living water, our identity is sealed. Even in the midst of rejection, our identity is still the same. No longer does anyone decide who we are or where we find our joy.

Jesus knows you and he won't stop meeting you at the well until you realize nothing but Him will quench your thirst to be loved.

John 4:4-26

Books of 2014

I don't set New Year's Resolutions, but I do make book lists. Here's a recount of a few so I can remember how they impacted me.

6. Wild- Cheryl Strayed

The book calls itself a 'journey of self discovery.' In this book, the author recounts her hike along the Pacific Crest Trail from California to Oregon. This is no typical backpacking trip because when Cheryl decides to sell everything she owns and hike the PCT, she's had no prior hiking experience. She says she literally walked into REI and bought whatever the salesperson told her to buy. Then she gets to the head of the trail and realizes she can't carry her pack. A great deal of the book is about Cheryl's struggle to accept the death of her mother when she was 22 and accept her recent divorce. I actually didn't relate much to the 'spiritual' journey Cheryl goes through on the hike. She and I are pretty opposite when it comes to faith. I loved the book more for how simply outlandish it was. A crazy female with no hiking experience hikes the PCT. She hitchhikes like a boss. Befriends a bunch of hippies. Runs out of money on a regular basis. As someone who always plays it safe, I loved living vicariously through her.

"I want amazed that what I needed to survive could be carried on my back. And, most surprising of all, that I could carry it."

5. Walking on Water: reflections on faith and art- Madeleine l'Engle

This book put me in a very poetic mood. Madeleine l'Engle is one of those authors who always chooses the right word. The premise of the book asks the question, "How does art relate to faith?" According to l'Engle, 'secular' and 'religious' are not terms anyone should be using when it comes to art. Throughout this book, I was constantly nodding in agreement. You can't separate faith from art, l'Engle believes. A main focus of the book is where creativity comes from. I had a lot of questions about incorporating my faith into how I express myself creatively. By the end of the book, I realized it all happens in a very organic way. The way we work, the way we create, the way we design. Art isn't limited to the 'arts' but rather how we communicate with our environment. And faith just makes that communication an act of worship.

“But unless we are creators we are not fully alive. What do I mean by creators? Not only artists, whose acts of creation are the obvious ones of working with paint of clay or words. Creativity is a way of living life."

4. Gone Girl- Gillian Flynn

This book. Where do I even begin? While in grad school, I picked this up as a retreat from reading textbooks and research. At first- this book starts off like any normal book. The novel goes back and forth between a husband and wife's point of view on their life. The story takes them from their fast-paced NYC life to small town Missouri where the husband must care for his ailing mother. The move causes some discord in the couple's marriage so you start to suspect something might happen. Then something does happen. But it's not what you think. Halfway through the book you gasp. You might choke on your own saliva and laugh at the same time like I did. You might bite your nails. The only thing I know you will most certainly do is keep reading. And if you're a woman, you'll smile as you realize you are not as bat sh*t crazy as your significant other thinks you are. I loved this book (and loathed the movie.)

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer ....and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth ...while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl."

3. How Green Was My Valley- Richard Llewellyn

This book took me to South Wales and I didn't want to leave when it was over. Not a book for everyone, I will admit. The book is narrated though the eyes of Huw Morgan and takes you on a journey through his life in a small mining community. Mining begins to become modernized and it causes discord within the community and Huw's family. The Welsh language is the highlight. On paper it is like music. I went back and forth between passages, just so I could reread the words. The ethical standard held during this time also intrigued me. Relationships between young people, respect for parents, etc. One of my favorite parts is when two men in the community teach Huw to fight after he is bullied at school. Bullies didn't last long in South Wales, I'll tell you that. When you read the news today and see everything that is happening around us, it was nice to be taken back into a good story.

“Never mind what you feel. Think. Watch. Think again. And then one step at a time to put things right. As a mason puts one block at a time. To build solid and good. So with thought. Think. Build one thought at a time. Think solid. Then act. Is it?” 

2. Hannah Coulter- Wendell Berry

I cried like a baby. Nothing about this book gives you that impression when you first pick it up, though. It takes time. There's a romance woven in the pages that is so real and genuine you see it all in a better way. Hannah Coulter has been widowed twice and writes about her life at age 70. This love story from an old woman is rich and deep and it made me not fear growing old. You see, the book isn't grand because of it's plot, but rather it's perception.

I want to marry, have children and grow old with the same purpose as Hannah Coulter. I want to hope without having set expectations. I want to receive it all as grace, whatever it is.

"The room of love is another world...It is the world without end, so small that two people can hold it in their arms, and yet it is bigger than worlds on worlds, for it contains the longing of all things to be together, and to be at rest together...You take it all into your arms, it goes away, and there you are where giving and taking are the same, and you live a little while entirely in a gift."

1. Unbroken- Laura Hillenbrand

My favorite book of 2014. Easy choice. The biography of Louie Zamperini is a story for the ages. My mind was a constant stream of thoughts as I read and tried to fathom the limitless amount of pain man can be given in a lifetime. I felt limited in my own experiences to understand how someone could endure and survive so much. After competing in the 1936 Olympics, Louie Zamperini is drafted into the Air Force as World War II begins. It's one of those books you want to be over so you can stop thinking about the content in some parts. War is ugly. Louie goes into great detail about the autonomic response of the mind when it's deprived of food, water and shelter. How the senses are hyper aroused and aware was so fascinating to me. Without going into too many plot details, the end is what makes it more than a 'war' story. Where do you find the strength to forgive your greatest enemy and torturer? Read the book and let Louie tell you.

“The paradox of vengefulness is that it makes men dependent upon those who have harmed them, believing that their release from pain will come only when their tormentors suffer.”