When I Think I Want to Fall in Love

    "I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it(anywhere I go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)    I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet) I want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you..."

     e.e. cummings

    I have a few confessions I need to make about love, and there is no better way to get started than with a little e.e. cummings. This poem makes me think of love. Or being in love. How awesome does this kind of love sound? Someone 'carrying your heart around' with them sounds…both weird and awesome. I realize this is a poem, and love doesn't always look so whimsical and picturesque. However, this poem is one of many illusions that my mind has created to define what love looks like. 

We write a lot of songs about love. In fact, I don't know many songs in my iTunes that don't mention love in some form. We make a lot of movies about love. We write a lot of books about love too. So for my entire life I've been exposed to these songs, movies and books and now expect that they were a reflection of real life. Why wouldn't I? This is what I see, hear and read over and over and over and over. Even my rational thinking can't avoid this kind of brainwashing. 

    The other day I found myself wondering why I want to be in love. It feels...biological.

    Sometimes I wish I could avoid the whole thing. People do really insane stuff in the name of love. Why do I want this?

   I want to be love because I've been convinced of something.

    I’ve been convinced love is all about my needs being met. A man comes along and suddenly, every whim of sadness is sucked into a vacuum and replaced with eternal ecstasy. He meets me where I am emotionally. He wants to understand me. He doesn't mind my faults and can't help but embrace me. He doesn't mind letting me have my way. In fact, he loves letting me have my way. A love like that is enticing because it's self serving. Rarely in my thoughts about wanting marriage and love do I think, “I really just want to spend my days sacrificing what I want for someone else. I just want to never think about my own itinerary and focus on another person's." 

    To be fair, I think love is like how e.e. cummings describes it in a way. It is a wonder that we cannot really put our thumb on. When you love someone you do want to know them and all their desires. However, the original idea of love wasn't by someone who wanted to receive. He wanted to give. Love doesn't make sense when it's only receiving. That's why all those songs and books and movies are.....fake. Love wants to pour itself out and not ask for a thing in return. 

When I think I want to fall in love.....I want to think again. 

Nothing Unknown

You know those questions you have that, no matter how long you think about them, you can't come up with any logical reasoning? When you eventually get an answer later you think, "Of course. That makes perfect sense."

I feel like the first 100 years of heaven are going to be like that. Just a continuous explanation of everything, and us all thinking, "Of course. That makes perfect sense now."

Because mystery ends when you're in relationship the way you were intended to be. God is wrapped in so much mystique, but it hasn't always been that way. I imagine when Adam and Eve walked in the garden with the Lord, there was so much understanding. So much revelation.

Part of the fall was mystery. The unknown.

But I know, when we finally reach that Golden Shore, it will all pass away. Even the most daunting of questions will be answered and accepted. Nothing will remain unknown.

What freedom our souls will experience. To finally breathe deep and say, "Of course. That makes perfect sense."

Dear Girl,

Dear Girl,

The problem is never him. It's you. Let me tell you why. 

It's like you're on the bread aisle when you need orange juice. You can't find what you need when you're looking for it in the wrong place. When you're scared to talk about certain things or ask him to talk about certain things. Or when you apologize constantly just so he'll stick around. That says it all right there. 

You can't let him go because he's put a big patch over the hole in your heart. It'll hold for a bit, but later on you'll wish it had ripped the day you met him. He's a man, for sure. And he reminds you that your femininity is a wonderful thing to behold. He keeps you from thinking about how much longer the patch will hold, because he's got that charm and laughs at your jokes. 

You want to throw every breakable item you've got at him right now. It's not fair that he gets to pull back for no reason and without the courage to tell you how he feels. You're right. It's not fair. But don't get down your grandma's Spode china yet. And don't send him any hateful messages about the way he should treat you. Like I said, it isn't him. It's you. 

There's that story in Genesis about when Leah just wanted to be loved. She bore child after child and every time thought, "This time- Jacob will finally look at me like he looks at Rachel." But nothing changed. Then her fourth son was born. It was like the light bulb came on. Instead of hoping for Jacob's love after Judah was born she says, "This time I will praise the Lord." 

You see, it's not his fault he can't love you like you've always wanted. It's not his fault he has a selfish heart that likes to be alone and not text back. He's got the same condition you do. The bad part is all humans are alike when it comes to satisfying each other. We always fall short. The good part is there is one Human who took on our likeness so he could be Love to us for all eternity. 

Leah understood what I mean. She chased after Jacob (her own husband) but never felt satisfied. Until she finally gave up and called upon the One who loved her better than Jacob ever could. That Mighty Creator is the only one who can be what you've always wanted. 

So take a deep breath. Exhale. And walk away. Ask the Lord of the Sabbath to give you that rest that comes when you've laid down everything and simply say, "I just want to be satisfied in You alone." It's going to hurt for awhile. It's never as long as you think though. You feel imprisoned, but in reality you're free. Trust me on this. It's crazy how much guilt and worry you build up when you're trying to impress someone. 

Let me repeat not to send him any hateful messages. It won't make you feel better. He knows not what he does. He's just trying to fill the spaces too. Men don't come crawling back when they get told what (insert favorite expletive here) they are. 

Instead, come sit and drink. If you ask- I know of One who always gives us our portion. And it's always enough. 

Sincerely,

A More Composed Version of Yourself 

Sin

What does it feel like to be tethered to a sin you can't be free from?
Like being choked, but never dying. Slow and endless.
Like running sprint after sprint, always exhausted, but never being able to stop.
Like climbing a steep incline with continuous crumbling footholds.

Out of everyone in the world, I'm supposed to have the most freedom. If the Son has set me free, why do I feel the farthest thing from, "free indeed?" I am a chained dog on a very short leash. Sin has a way of making me feel like I don't know myself. The things I've always wanted suddenly don't seem desirable anymore. I am Gollum with Smeagol whining in the background. Always overtaken by my other half.

Restless.

Then the whisper comes. The whisper to worship. To call on Love who knows how hard it is to be human. He says to just come. Just come, and He will give me rest. So that's what I did. Instead of making a to do list, I lay my burdens in a heaping mess at His feet. "Foul I to the fountain fly," yet He received me in bridal robes. There was no guilt, no nagging, no reminders. I didn't speak any magic words. I just wept about my condition and my slavery. The slavery to pursue satisfaction that really never satisfies. And he knew. He knew I couldn't fight it alone. Because of my condition. So he took all my blubbering words and unfinished sentences. All my attempts to rationalize and analyze. All my self pity and self denial. He took it all and made the Exchange.

Rest. 

The Touch of Divinity

I've been thinking about physical touch a lot as of lately. It all started when I was doing some reading for my class on teaching appropriate behaviors to children with autism & developmental delays. Normally developing children naturally learn to imitate the behaviors of those around them, especially in their most early stages. However, children with autism are without that cognitive ability. When a therapist intervenes to teach them to imitate appropriate behaviors in society, they will use positive and negative reinforcement. My book gave a list of the ways children like to be positively reinforced. One of them was hugging.

I was strangely warmed by this. This idea that there is an innate desire to make physical contact with someone when we want praise. Being human is quite strange, is it not? Why do we crave physical touch? Why does a hug neurologically signal comfort, or acceptance, or praise? 

Romans 11 says, "From him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever." All things have a purpose and that is to make much of God's name. If everything is for the magnification of God's glory, than physical touch is no exception. It is hard for me to imagine this, because God is not a physical being. He doesn't touch me when I'm scared, or lonely, or in need. He speaks to me, but until now, I've never thought of him somehow touching me. There are examples of God using his touch to communicate to his people in the Old Testament. When he wrestled with Jacob, he "touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wretched.." As he spoke to Jeremiah, he "touched [his] mouth and said to [him] 'I have put my words in your mouth.'" In Daniel, God rouses him with a touch to give him prophesy. In the new Testament we of course see Christ using physical touch to heal, raise the dead and give assurance. 

Does God "touch" us now? Like many aspects of God's character, we see a shift after Christ's resurrection. God uses the Holy Spirit and the people around us to convey what he used to do physically. What I've come to understand is that though God doesn't use physical touch to communicate with me any more, he uses the touch of other people to convey His love, acceptance, and assurance. 

What does this mean? It means there is a sacredness looming about physical touch. A sacredness that I don't always recognize or appreciate. If physical touch is a portal of God's glory to humanity, I should tread very carefully upon it. 

I want to steady the trembling hand. Lean my shoulder in for the weak. I don't think I recognized what power I have been given through the use of my physical body. That God wants to use my wretchedness to speak of his perfect love...I just cannot believe it.  God uses my humanity to speak of his divinity. 

The Blessing of Waiting

God promised Abraham and Sarah a son. A son from their own flesh and blood. A son when they were old.

Really old.

This was ludicrous enough that on separate occasions both Abraham and Sarah laughed at God. It was unbelievable, for they knew of no one who had ever had a child so late. It was so hard for them to believe that after waiting ten years, Sarah figured their son couldn't possibly come from her body. She took matters into her own hands and Ishmael was born. Oh, Ishmael. Think of all that has occurred between the sons of Abraham. Even in 2013, they are still enemies.

Ishmael is what happens when we settle. When we don't believe our God is a generous God.

Charles Spurgeon says,

" The longer the gate is closed, the more vehemently does he use the knocker, and the longer the angel lingers, the more resolved is he that he will never let him go without the blessing." 

Isaac is what happens when we make waiting and praying our sole satisfaction. Lingering produces a blessing even more abundant than if we had been appeased sooner. I think about Isaac and how his life brought his parents such joy in their old age. I can imagine them saying wholeheartedly that having Isaac late in life was more joyous than being young parents. 

Because he was the child of their long expectation. 

God is always drawing us near to Him. I think Isaac drew his parents to God because every time they looked at his sweet face they were reminded that God always keeps his promises. Even after Abram and Sarah tried to make up their own plans, God said NO. My blessing is even greater than this! If you would just wait you would see. Why would I make you wait ten years to let your Egyptian handmaid have the child I promised you? 

He doesn't make us wait to give us some second place blessing. He makes us wait so the blessing will be appreciated. So when we receive it we will look up with wonder and say, "Look! Look what God has done!"

I am in expectation for my Isaac. I will pray until I receive it, knowing You wait until the perfect time. Let me not settle. Let me be reminded of the old saying, "He that goes before the cloud of God's providence goes on a fool's errand." My waiting is for your glory, Lord.