When I Think I Want to Fall in Love

    "I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it(anywhere I go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)    I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet) I want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you..."

     e.e. cummings

    I have a few confessions I need to make about love, and there is no better way to get started than with a little e.e. cummings. This poem makes me think of love. Or being in love. How awesome does this kind of love sound? Someone 'carrying your heart around' with them sounds…both weird and awesome. I realize this is a poem, and love doesn't always look so whimsical and picturesque. However, this poem is one of many illusions that my mind has created to define what love looks like. 

We write a lot of songs about love. In fact, I don't know many songs in my iTunes that don't mention love in some form. We make a lot of movies about love. We write a lot of books about love too. So for my entire life I've been exposed to these songs, movies and books and now expect that they were a reflection of real life. Why wouldn't I? This is what I see, hear and read over and over and over and over. Even my rational thinking can't avoid this kind of brainwashing. 

    The other day I found myself wondering why I want to be in love. It feels...biological.

    Sometimes I wish I could avoid the whole thing. People do really insane stuff in the name of love. Why do I want this?

   I want to be love because I've been convinced of something.

    I’ve been convinced love is all about my needs being met. A man comes along and suddenly, every whim of sadness is sucked into a vacuum and replaced with eternal ecstasy. He meets me where I am emotionally. He wants to understand me. He doesn't mind my faults and can't help but embrace me. He doesn't mind letting me have my way. In fact, he loves letting me have my way. A love like that is enticing because it's self serving. Rarely in my thoughts about wanting marriage and love do I think, “I really just want to spend my days sacrificing what I want for someone else. I just want to never think about my own itinerary and focus on another person's." 

    To be fair, I think love is like how e.e. cummings describes it in a way. It is a wonder that we cannot really put our thumb on. When you love someone you do want to know them and all their desires. However, the original idea of love wasn't by someone who wanted to receive. He wanted to give. Love doesn't make sense when it's only receiving. That's why all those songs and books and movies are.....fake. Love wants to pour itself out and not ask for a thing in return. 

When I think I want to fall in love.....I want to think again. 

Nothing Unknown

You know those questions you have that, no matter how long you think about them, you can't come up with any logical reasoning? When you eventually get an answer later you think, "Of course. That makes perfect sense."

I feel like the first 100 years of heaven are going to be like that. Just a continuous explanation of everything, and us all thinking, "Of course. That makes perfect sense now."

Because mystery ends when you're in relationship the way you were intended to be. God is wrapped in so much mystique, but it hasn't always been that way. I imagine when Adam and Eve walked in the garden with the Lord, there was so much understanding. So much revelation.

Part of the fall was mystery. The unknown.

But I know, when we finally reach that Golden Shore, it will all pass away. Even the most daunting of questions will be answered and accepted. Nothing will remain unknown.

What freedom our souls will experience. To finally breathe deep and say, "Of course. That makes perfect sense."