You're waiting to be
seated in a restaurant with an old friend from out of town. One of those
friends you can just sit with and talk about the mundane things. Brunch
conversation 101. "The last time I came to this place I was with
so-and-so." Girls and untainted memories. We just can't let them go
sometimes. The conversation changes and soon you're talking about something
else. You look up from your phone and the blood seems to rush into your chest;
heavy and cold. There he is. With her. Walking out of the restaurant. You make
eye contact and quickly look down again at your phone as if nothing happened.
Of course this would happen to me. Out of all the restaurants in a city of 1.2
million people.....
As soon as they are out of ear shot, I slow my breath and say, "That was so-and so that just walked out." My friend arches her neck around and stares out the restaurant window. She jokes about going and talking to him. Telling him what she thinks of him. "Are you ok?" she asks.
You plan for these kinds of moments. Moments that involve perfectly phrased obscenities and cause broken engagements. I had mentally written the script of what I would say if I ever saw him again. In the center of my selfish existence I fantasized about a moment in which I was the victor wearing a crown studded with my own pride. A moment in which I was finally justified. But when the moment finally came, an eye twitch was all he got. The motivation was gone.
While I was sleeping,
time was healing all the hatred I had bottled up. Time was changing my mind
about what it means to be 'victorious' over wrongfulness. It just didn't seem
important anymore. So when my friend asked, "Are you ok?" I
laughed.
I laughed. I couldn't believe
the odds that I would see him just after remembering I had been to this same
restaurant with him. I laughed because I no longer wanted to put him in his
place or embarrass him in front of strangers. I laughed because I was happier
sitting with a friend from my childhood and talking about the silliest of
things that old friends talk about. I laughed because finally, I could.
"For everything there is a season...a time
to cry and a time to laugh."
