Day by Day Forgiveness

My family enjoys skiing. I laugh when I think about how we consider skiing our "vacation" when, for the most part, skiing is the farthest thing from vacation. Poor Texas lungs huffing and puffing as they try to breathe while you carry 500 lb ski boots,  awkwardly long skis and poles. Of course this is all while wearing 65 layers of clothing. Going down the mountain is relatively painless if you know what you are doing. The part that everyone hates though, is poling. You get to a flat part of the run and your momentum eventually slows down, so you have to use your poles to push til you get to steeper ground. It's amazing how in sub freezing temperatures and under your 65 layers, your body still sweats. Ugh.

If you don't consistently pole on the flat parts, you won't move. Many times, one push won't cut it either.

Now let's talk about forgiveness. 

When you are a kid, forgiveness takes one time and you're over it. Your sibling, while being prodded by your mom, says they're sorry for hitting you in the face with a Tonka truck. Immediately you say, "I forgive you," and you move on. As as adult, it's a whole new ballgame. Your head says, "I forgive them. I need to get over this," but your heart says, "Not so fast. They really hurt me. I can't just forget about this." 

In my current situation, forgiveness has to be daily. I have to choose to forgive the person who wronged me, for that day and that day only. 

I don't have the secret to forgiveness. I do know that on days that I don't have the weight of bitterness on my back, I have joy. Hopefully in the future, I'll get the point where I won't have to re-forgive every day. Until then I'm just going to keep poling until the terrain becomes easier.

An Ode to Days Past

Our story, though short
was a fun one to begin

I was skeptical at first
but soon head first, jumped in

We were honest and true
our faces freely exposed

Though the past is now clear
I was real, you were posed

Your voice how is shone
the true essence of man

I wasted not a minute
when you offered me your hand

My palace walls, they were high
Man had yet to scale their height

When I saw you from afar
My heart sang with such delight

I was so thrilled to see you coming
I didn't want to hinder your commission

Instead of asking you to climb
I gave you painless admission

My company and my humor
You enjoyed for quite a bit

In observance of your affection
I was sure you would commit

Soon our friendship became a battlefield
I swore I'd win at any cost

But the day your eyes grew dim
I knew for me, this war was lost

You took my hand that day you came
Your laugh erased my impeding doubt

Now with pain I sit and wonder
what your motive was all about

Should I go back and start anew
A new requirement for your commission

Would be to climb my palace walls
Without pain there is no admission

Easily Spooked

There is a large group of blackbirds that frequently inhabits my neighborhood and yard. This isn't a small group of birds I speak of; there have to be between 50-70 of them that move around together. I've recently noticed and laughed at their easily spooked behavior to any human closeness. One day they were all encamped in my front yard. I walked from my room to the kitchen (all the while inside of course) and immediately as I walked by a window, they fled for their lives. You would've thought I had just pulled out my shotgun! They are so unfamiliar and skeptical of movement that they don't waste time in relocating. Even if the worms and other tasty insects taste the best in my yard, they'll still drop everything and move if they see a glimpse of movement.

As I laugh at these stupid birds, I can't help but think how much I am like them. I am afraid of unfamiliar movement from God. I am so easily scared of the calling of God in my life that as soon as I feel uncomfortable, I run for my life (or try to.) Like these birds, I would rather leave what could prove to be an excellent habitat for my spiritual strengths for somewhere where I'm not afraid. These birds don't let me get close enough to see that I don't intend to hurt them. They see my shadow and flee before I can prove that I have absolutely no wish to turn into a bird killer. When God prompts me to let him move in my life and take a grip on my plans I struggle. I wrestle and whine and gripe and cry and plead with him to not do it.

Let me be comfortable! Let me stay in this grassy field without Your hand upon me! Let me rest here awhile!

I've become so weary in waiting for God that I've begun to show my desperation. In the Psalms David cries out for God to rescue him, vindicate him and restore him. I can relate. It is in these times that while I am broken and in pain, I must still say, "I will stay here until you call me elsewhere."

In a book I'm reading the author says, "Weakness is the new strong." Like Paul, I must delight in my weaknesses, for when I am weak, then I am strong.

The Story of Joy & Sorrow

Sorrow's eyes are dark and cold. Her skin is toughened by the cold wind that stirs all things dwelling in The Valley. Sorrow lifts her head from time to time to look up the mountain. Her eyes catch something colorful growing on the mountain peak, but she buries her head with a fierce bitterness before she gazes too long. 

Joy bounds from one sun kissed rock to another, laughing without recant. Her hair is free and billows around her. She rolls on the soft grass and inhales the sweet scent of wildflowers. Her voice sails as she sings the songs of her youth. For a moment she gazes down the mountain, to The Valley, but quickly lifts her head and runs back to the sunlight. 

Every day Sorrow and Joy look to where the other dwells but never a moment longer. Each feels a strange bond to the other but a change from what they know is never considered. Sorrow longs for the carefree and happy existence of Joy. Joy longs for the deep and dependent life of Sorrow. Each knows their purpose yet wishes to have a part of the other. 

One day the Lord approaches the mountain where Joy and Sorrow live. He says, "My children, why the discontent with where you are?" Joy says, "I am so happy where I am, but my life has no depth! It has been so long since I've felt your presence, O Lord!"

Sorrow lifts her tired head and says, "O Lord, you know I long to be where Joy is on top of the mountain. I've been in The Valley for so long and I'll admit I am getting weary." 

The Lord sighs and pulls Joy and Sorrow into His arms. "You know there is not a reason why both of you can't be One." Joy and Sorrow give the Lord puzzled looks and so He explains. "I made you to exist together as One. I made you so that you could be 'sorrowful yet always rejoicing.' I made you so that while in The Valley, you could have hope, and while on The Mountain- you would still need me at every hour. I am both the King of Joy and the King of Sorrow." 

From that day on, through storms and still waters, Joy and Sorrow walked together. As One, the struggles of life became conquerable.