Dear Girl,

Dear Girl,

The problem is never him. It's you. Let me tell you why. 

It's like you're on the bread aisle when you need orange juice. You can't find what you need when you're looking for it in the wrong place. When you're scared to talk about certain things or ask him to talk about certain things. Or when you apologize constantly just so he'll stick around. That says it all right there. 

You can't let him go because he's put a big patch over the hole in your heart. It'll hold for a bit, but later on you'll wish it had ripped the day you met him. He's a man, for sure. And he reminds you that your femininity is a wonderful thing to behold. He keeps you from thinking about how much longer the patch will hold, because he's got that charm and laughs at your jokes. 

You want to throw every breakable item you've got at him right now. It's not fair that he gets to pull back for no reason and without the courage to tell you how he feels. You're right. It's not fair. But don't get down your grandma's Spode china yet. And don't send him any hateful messages about the way he should treat you. Like I said, it isn't him. It's you. 

There's that story in Genesis about when Leah just wanted to be loved. She bore child after child and every time thought, "This time- Jacob will finally look at me like he looks at Rachel." But nothing changed. Then her fourth son was born. It was like the light bulb came on. Instead of hoping for Jacob's love after Judah was born she says, "This time I will praise the Lord." 

You see, it's not his fault he can't love you like you've always wanted. It's not his fault he has a selfish heart that likes to be alone and not text back. He's got the same condition you do. The bad part is all humans are alike when it comes to satisfying each other. We always fall short. The good part is there is one Human who took on our likeness so he could be Love to us for all eternity. 

Leah understood what I mean. She chased after Jacob (her own husband) but never felt satisfied. Until she finally gave up and called upon the One who loved her better than Jacob ever could. That Mighty Creator is the only one who can be what you've always wanted. 

So take a deep breath. Exhale. And walk away. Ask the Lord of the Sabbath to give you that rest that comes when you've laid down everything and simply say, "I just want to be satisfied in You alone." It's going to hurt for awhile. It's never as long as you think though. You feel imprisoned, but in reality you're free. Trust me on this. It's crazy how much guilt and worry you build up when you're trying to impress someone. 

Let me repeat not to send him any hateful messages. It won't make you feel better. He knows not what he does. He's just trying to fill the spaces too. Men don't come crawling back when they get told what (insert favorite expletive here) they are. 

Instead, come sit and drink. If you ask- I know of One who always gives us our portion. And it's always enough. 

Sincerely,

A More Composed Version of Yourself 

Sin

What does it feel like to be tethered to a sin you can't be free from?
Like being choked, but never dying. Slow and endless.
Like running sprint after sprint, always exhausted, but never being able to stop.
Like climbing a steep incline with continuous crumbling footholds.

Out of everyone in the world, I'm supposed to have the most freedom. If the Son has set me free, why do I feel the farthest thing from, "free indeed?" I am a chained dog on a very short leash. Sin has a way of making me feel like I don't know myself. The things I've always wanted suddenly don't seem desirable anymore. I am Gollum with Smeagol whining in the background. Always overtaken by my other half.

Restless.

Then the whisper comes. The whisper to worship. To call on Love who knows how hard it is to be human. He says to just come. Just come, and He will give me rest. So that's what I did. Instead of making a to do list, I lay my burdens in a heaping mess at His feet. "Foul I to the fountain fly," yet He received me in bridal robes. There was no guilt, no nagging, no reminders. I didn't speak any magic words. I just wept about my condition and my slavery. The slavery to pursue satisfaction that really never satisfies. And he knew. He knew I couldn't fight it alone. Because of my condition. So he took all my blubbering words and unfinished sentences. All my attempts to rationalize and analyze. All my self pity and self denial. He took it all and made the Exchange.

Rest.