Haiti

As I'm painting with a young boy in a Haitian church, he tells me he keeps a diary of his thoughts. I ask him what he writes about. He says he writes about the love he has for his God, his family and his country. After a moment of silence he asks me, "Do you love Haiti?" Disregarding the fact that I had been in Haiti for less than 24 hours, I said I did. That statement remained true for the duration of my trip as I saw a people of no means or prominence impacting lives through the transforming power of the Gospel. God is using this small, impoverished island for his glory and for the salvation of the world.


Incomprehensible -"Who has known the mind of the Lord?"

While in Haiti, it was tempting to question God's character as I saw children without food or clothes. It was tempting to think God wasn't acting for our ultimate good as I met people plagued with sickness or troubled by demons. In the scriptures, it says God has revealed enough of himself for us to follow him. When I couldn't understand the 'why' I turned to the 'who' and realized that I serve a God who doesn't do things my way but limits my understanding so I have to trust him. I think it is a very American mindset to believe that if I cannot understand something, then it cannot be true. I saw Haitians who trusted God, simply because he commands it. That encouraged me to go home and not rely on my own understanding but settle into the mindset that I'm a child with a good Father who simply cannot be fathomed.


Long-Suffering- "I looked on them with pity and did not destroy them"

The Lord was long-suffering towards me as my pride desired to run a sprint instead of a marathon this week. Having an 'experience' is what my mind naturally gravitates towards when I am sharing the Gospel. Instead of continuing the long marathon of faithfulness the Lord has me on, I wanted to run the 100 meter dash in front of a cheering crowd. Instead of punishing me, the Lord gently reminded me that he is working to make me holy and that an experience is not the best way for me to be changed. I also saw the Lord's long suffering he has for the Haitian people when I was welcomed into the home of a voodoo master. Believers have been praying for this woman for many years. She knew the Gospel, but was not ready to receive it. The Lord reminded me he will never stop pursuing us, even when we continue to chase our own idols.


Sovereign- "Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you." 

When 3 school buses plus a tomato truck are involved in an accident without any major injuries, God's sovereignty cannot be more evident. Why did the bus that got hit have the least amount of people on board? Why did Mission of Hope's trauma doctor live down the street from the scene of the accident? Because "a mighty fortress in our God, a bulwark never failing." When we are involved in the work of the Kingdom, nothing can interfere. We will never fully know the small and infinitely detailed ways God is working until we reach heaven. It can be frustrating to share the Gospel and not see an immediate harvest. However, just like in Dallas, God works by his own timing and it is perfect. When people's hearts weren't immediately changed or when it seemed like God was not involved in a particularly hopeless situation, I remembered what God said to Job, "Everything under heaven belongs to me."



Being introduced to the work Mission of Hope is doing in Haiti was perhaps the most altering aspect of my trip. They are empowering the people of Haiti towards freedom in Christ without the slavery of North American saviorism. The country of Haiti is being changed, not because the government is advancing or they are becoming more educated. Mission of Hope is transforming lives because they believe the Gospel is the only way for people to know true joy and satisfaction. Learn more here.

Books of 2015

I don't make New Year's Resolutions, but I always challenge myself to be well read each year. I spent the first 5 months of 2015 reading "the Cooper book" (aka a textbook) so in May I was ready to read something fun. So, here were a few of my favorites:

David and Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell

“What the Israelites saw, from high on the ridge, was an intimidating giant. In reality, the very thing that gave the giant his size was also the source of his greatest weakness. There is an important lesson in that for battles with all kinds of giants. The powerful and the strong are not always what they seem.”

I Dared to Call him Father by Bilquis Sheikh

"Then a remarkable thing happened. Nothing like it had ever occurred in my life in quite this way. For I heard a voice inside my being, a voice that spoke to me as clearly as if I were repeating words in my inner mind. They were fresh, full of kindness, yet at the same time full of authority. In which book do you meet Me as your Father?" 

Prayer by Timothy Keller

“Prayer is the only entryway into genuine self-knowledge. It is also the main way we experience deep change—the reordering of our loves. Prayer is how God gives us so many of the unimaginable things he has for us. Indeed, prayer makes it safe for God to give us many of the things we most desire. It is the way we know God, the way we finally treat God as God. Prayer is simply the key to everything we need to do and be in life.”

Let Me Be a Woman by Elisabeth Elliot

“It is a naive sort of feminism that insists that women prove their ability to do all the things that men do. This is a distortion and a travesty. Men have never sought to prove that they can do all the things women do. Why subject women to purely masculine criteria? Women can and ought to be judged by the criteria of femininity, for it is in their femininity that they participate in the human race. And femininity has its limitations. So has masculinity. That is what we’ve been talking about. To do this is not to do that. To be this is not to be that. To be a woman is not to be a man."

The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert by Rosaria Butterfield

“The Bible makes it clear that reason is not the front door of faith. It takes spiritual eyes to discern spiritual matters. But how do we develop spiritual eyes unless Christians engage the culture with those questions and paradigms of mindfulness out of which spiritual logic flows?”

The Little Way of Ruthie Leming by Rod Dreher

“Contemporary culture encourages us to make islands of ourselves for the sake of self-fulfillment, of career advancement, of entertainment, of diversion, and all the demands of the sovereign self. When suffering and death come for you--and it will--you want to be in a place where you know, and are known. You want--no, you need--to be able to say, as Mike did, "We're leaning, but we're leaning on each other.” 

Scary Close by Donald Miller

“We don’t think much about how our love stories will affect the world, but they do. Children learn what’s worth living for and what’s worth dying for by the stories they watch us live. I want to teach our children how to get scary close, and more, how to be brave. I want to teach them that love is worth what it costs.” 

John Adams by David McCullough

“The preservation of liberty depends upon the intellectual and moral character of the people. As long as knowledge and virtue are diffused generally among the body of a nation, it is impossible they should be enslaved. . ” 

Jonathan Edwards on Beauty by Owen Strachan & Doug Sweeney

"…the beauties of nature are really emanations or shadows of the excellencies of the Son of God. 

So that, when we are delighted with flowery meadows, and gentle breezes of wind, we may consider that we see only the emanations of the sweet benevolence of Jesus Christ. When we behold the fragrant rose and lily, we see His love and purity. So the green trees, and fields, and singing of birds are the emanations of His infinite joy and benignity...When we behold the light and brightness of the sun, the golden edges of an evening cloud, or the beauteous bow, we behold the adumbrations of His glory and goodness; and, in the blue sky, of His mildness and gentleness. There are also many things wherein we may behold His awful majesty, in the sun in His strength, in comets, in thunder, in the hovering thunder-clouds, in ragged rocks, and the brows of mountains."

Permissible but not Beneficial

In Paul's first letter to the Corinthians, he addresses a question he received concerning food offered to idols. When this letter was written, people had invented a so-called TJ Maxx of meat distribution. After food was sacrificed to a pagan idol, it could be sold at a cheaper price than if you bought it straight from the butcher. One group of Christians thought it was sinful to eat this 'defiled' meat and the other group figured it wasn't a big deal because idols aren't real (and a good deal is a good deal, am I right?) 

We love approaching a wise person and thinking a black and white question automatically renders us a black and white answer. Paul goes beyond their surface level reasoning and goes straight to the heart of the matter. He basically says: Who cares? Food doesn't bring me closer to God and neither does abstaining. But if eating this meat or not eating this meat causes someone to stumble, then I'll be a vegetarian the rest of my life. This life isn't about what you can get away with without sinning. 

I recently finished a month long fast. It all began when I started combing through areas of my life that I thought were weak. I noted what I did in my free time and where my 'daydreams' took me when I let my mind wander. I noticed a trend, or a correlation, if the nerdy behavior analyst in me speaks up. When I was free to do whatever I wanted or think about whatever I wanted I noticed I enjoyed planning for a life that hadn't started. What I mean is that through blogs, books and podcasts I learned how to:

Set boundaries with the boyfriend I didn't have

Submit with love to the husband I didn't have

Involve my friends in the relationship I didn't have

etc.

etc.

I love to read blogs and books about seeking wise relationships. These things are good, right? They are created to encourage me as a single woman to chase after relationships that edify Christ.

The great Matthew Henry says, "Those who allow themselves in every thing not plainly sinful in itself will often run into what is evil by accident, and do much mischief to others." 

After much prayer, I realized that these things were worth abstaining from, because they often caused me to think too much about the future. It was one thing to desire a relationship or marriage, but another when my 'prepping' became a way for me to ignore the life I had right in front of me. So, I pulled the plug. I put away all the books, turned off the sappy songs, deleted all the podcasts and unsubscribed from all the blogs. I missed Taylor Swift within 24 hours, I will admit freely. 

Paul says, "Knowledge puffs up, while love builds up." 

I had the knowledge. I had done my research. Searching for knowledge had become a sort of idol that could've been potentially destructive for my future relationships. So, for a month I loved God and the people I do life with, by passing on anything relationship or romance related. It was hard and sometimes it felt legalistic. But thirty days later- it was to my greatest benefit. I realized there are so many other things to read and think about. I realized I wasn't as interested in a relationship as I thought. When his Word was my only 'advice column' or 'how-to' book, I was amazed at how life-giving the scriptures are. Most importantly, I realized God was working through me in bigger ways than I knew. It took abstaining from a permissible thing to see where He was and how I could join Him. 

...And it was good

About four years ago, my mom bought me a beautiful, handmade scrub top from Guatemala. She intended to give it to me as a gift for when I became an occupational therapist. I took a class in high school that introduced me to various medical professions and decided then I wanted to become an OT. I spent the next seven years pursuing this dream. It's funny how we think we know ourselves. We think we completely understand our own strengths and what areas of life we excel in. For me, I was convinced that helping others through this field was my calling.

Ah, failure. It was not to be. I did not have a 3.9 GPA and had not experienced an outstanding tragedy to give my application the extra sparkle it needed to stand out among hundreds.

Thus, my journey in applied behavior analysis began. It literally began as a google search after I interviewed for a job at an autism clinic (a job I did not get.) I thought it sounded interesting, as I had been greatly fascinated with autism spectrum disorders for many years. Going from my pursuit of occupational therapy to something else....was it possible? How does one give up on a dream after thousands of hours have been spent in it's foreboding presence?

I think the will of God is often communicated through a still, small voice. But in my case, the will of God was like a slamming screen door. One door closed and wouldn't open no matter how hard I pushed on it. It is really difficult to leave behind a dream. I look back and realize, however, that my inflexibility showed a lack of faith in a better path. A path that led me towards a mysterious and often frustrating God, not a 'career.'

I chased another dream and became myself. Something about that sounds so mystical and silly, but it's what happened. I still remember coming home from a class in grad school and crying because I realized how much I loved ABA and would have never gotten there without failing for all those years.

On Monday, I found out I passed my rigorous certification exam to be a Board Certified Behavior Analyst. Not a big deal to anyone outside the field, but life changing for someone like me. The funny thing about the scrub top from Guatemala is...that's what I wear to work now. Even though it's not being used as it was intended...it was all part of the plan for my life.

I could turn this into a Joel Osteen style speech where I say that God will give you success if you believe in yourself and trust that he wants you to be happy. But that would be a lie. God {allowed} me to fail...and fail...and fail. I experienced success because grace is greater than all my sins. I am not entitled to a great job, a husband, wealth or happiness. I learned to love God as I watched him love me and saw it was all grace. He witholds nothing good. I failed for seven years...and it was good.

Bless the Lord, O my soul.

What Women Want

Only one man has lived who fully understood 'what women want.' The story says that He goes down to a well one day and in pure honesty, tells this lady straight up, "He's not going make you happy." She's completely taken aback by this revered, high society gentleman speaking to her about her personal life. Much less a subject she didn't want anybody knowing about.... her sex life. 

"That guy you're sleeping with, the one who loves you when the lights burn low, is the same one who drains it all out of you the next morning. He's like this well. You don't come to the well once in a lifetime. You're here every day. Every single day you have to come to this well because you're thirsty. And you're never going to stop being thirsty. You can give him exactly what he wants, when he wants it, and believe he really loves you. But after awhile, your tongue is parched again and wants a drink."

Women were created to be protected and cared for. The problem is we settle for the tangible. We settle for what's right in front of us instead of looking beyond into the captivating currents of the eternal.  "I am He," he tells her. He's says he's the living water that fills you up over and over again. The water that fills you up so you don't need to stick it out with a guy who won't marry you. She tells him she wants the living water; she wants it right away. 

Jesus is what we all want, but we search everywhere else because He makes us uncomfortable. The odds are, this woman wasn't sleeping around for the fun of it. She was sleeping around to keep food in her belly. What kind of man calls a woman out for using her body to stay alive? The only man who can call a woman out for this is a man who knows that there are things more important in life than food in our belly. Or a man's arms around our waist. 

Jesus shows us that we are ridiculous creatures who are all one decision away from screwing everything up--on a daily basis. We will chase after something even while it crushes us, in hopes of it one day filling the void. Jesus holds up our chains and says we will be a prisoner as long as we look for freedom in the tangible. When we ask for the water; the living water, our identity is sealed. Even in the midst of rejection, our identity is still the same. No longer does anyone decide who we are or where we find our joy.

Jesus knows you and he won't stop meeting you at the well until you realize nothing but Him will quench your thirst to be loved.

John 4:4-26

Books of 2014

I don't set New Year's Resolutions, but I do make book lists. Here's a recount of a few so I can remember how they impacted me.

6. Wild- Cheryl Strayed

The book calls itself a 'journey of self discovery.' In this book, the author recounts her hike along the Pacific Crest Trail from California to Oregon. This is no typical backpacking trip because when Cheryl decides to sell everything she owns and hike the PCT, she's had no prior hiking experience. She says she literally walked into REI and bought whatever the salesperson told her to buy. Then she gets to the head of the trail and realizes she can't carry her pack. A great deal of the book is about Cheryl's struggle to accept the death of her mother when she was 22 and accept her recent divorce. I actually didn't relate much to the 'spiritual' journey Cheryl goes through on the hike. She and I are pretty opposite when it comes to faith. I loved the book more for how simply outlandish it was. A crazy female with no hiking experience hikes the PCT. She hitchhikes like a boss. Befriends a bunch of hippies. Runs out of money on a regular basis. As someone who always plays it safe, I loved living vicariously through her.

"I want amazed that what I needed to survive could be carried on my back. And, most surprising of all, that I could carry it."

5. Walking on Water: reflections on faith and art- Madeleine l'Engle

This book put me in a very poetic mood. Madeleine l'Engle is one of those authors who always chooses the right word. The premise of the book asks the question, "How does art relate to faith?" According to l'Engle, 'secular' and 'religious' are not terms anyone should be using when it comes to art. Throughout this book, I was constantly nodding in agreement. You can't separate faith from art, l'Engle believes. A main focus of the book is where creativity comes from. I had a lot of questions about incorporating my faith into how I express myself creatively. By the end of the book, I realized it all happens in a very organic way. The way we work, the way we create, the way we design. Art isn't limited to the 'arts' but rather how we communicate with our environment. And faith just makes that communication an act of worship.

“But unless we are creators we are not fully alive. What do I mean by creators? Not only artists, whose acts of creation are the obvious ones of working with paint of clay or words. Creativity is a way of living life."

4. Gone Girl- Gillian Flynn

This book. Where do I even begin? While in grad school, I picked this up as a retreat from reading textbooks and research. At first- this book starts off like any normal book. The novel goes back and forth between a husband and wife's point of view on their life. The story takes them from their fast-paced NYC life to small town Missouri where the husband must care for his ailing mother. The move causes some discord in the couple's marriage so you start to suspect something might happen. Then something does happen. But it's not what you think. Halfway through the book you gasp. You might choke on your own saliva and laugh at the same time like I did. You might bite your nails. The only thing I know you will most certainly do is keep reading. And if you're a woman, you'll smile as you realize you are not as bat sh*t crazy as your significant other thinks you are. I loved this book (and loathed the movie.)

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer ....and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth ...while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl."

3. How Green Was My Valley- Richard Llewellyn

This book took me to South Wales and I didn't want to leave when it was over. Not a book for everyone, I will admit. The book is narrated though the eyes of Huw Morgan and takes you on a journey through his life in a small mining community. Mining begins to become modernized and it causes discord within the community and Huw's family. The Welsh language is the highlight. On paper it is like music. I went back and forth between passages, just so I could reread the words. The ethical standard held during this time also intrigued me. Relationships between young people, respect for parents, etc. One of my favorite parts is when two men in the community teach Huw to fight after he is bullied at school. Bullies didn't last long in South Wales, I'll tell you that. When you read the news today and see everything that is happening around us, it was nice to be taken back into a good story.

“Never mind what you feel. Think. Watch. Think again. And then one step at a time to put things right. As a mason puts one block at a time. To build solid and good. So with thought. Think. Build one thought at a time. Think solid. Then act. Is it?” 

2. Hannah Coulter- Wendell Berry

I cried like a baby. Nothing about this book gives you that impression when you first pick it up, though. It takes time. There's a romance woven in the pages that is so real and genuine you see it all in a better way. Hannah Coulter has been widowed twice and writes about her life at age 70. This love story from an old woman is rich and deep and it made me not fear growing old. You see, the book isn't grand because of it's plot, but rather it's perception.

I want to marry, have children and grow old with the same purpose as Hannah Coulter. I want to hope without having set expectations. I want to receive it all as grace, whatever it is.

"The room of love is another world...It is the world without end, so small that two people can hold it in their arms, and yet it is bigger than worlds on worlds, for it contains the longing of all things to be together, and to be at rest together...You take it all into your arms, it goes away, and there you are where giving and taking are the same, and you live a little while entirely in a gift."

1. Unbroken- Laura Hillenbrand

My favorite book of 2014. Easy choice. The biography of Louie Zamperini is a story for the ages. My mind was a constant stream of thoughts as I read and tried to fathom the limitless amount of pain man can be given in a lifetime. I felt limited in my own experiences to understand how someone could endure and survive so much. After competing in the 1936 Olympics, Louie Zamperini is drafted into the Air Force as World War II begins. It's one of those books you want to be over so you can stop thinking about the content in some parts. War is ugly. Louie goes into great detail about the autonomic response of the mind when it's deprived of food, water and shelter. How the senses are hyper aroused and aware was so fascinating to me. Without going into too many plot details, the end is what makes it more than a 'war' story. Where do you find the strength to forgive your greatest enemy and torturer? Read the book and let Louie tell you.

“The paradox of vengefulness is that it makes men dependent upon those who have harmed them, believing that their release from pain will come only when their tormentors suffer.” 

The Thing about Villains

It's strange how our minds can twist themselves around to change how they feel about the 'good and evil' in life. Morality is fickle. Over time I have the ability to go from thinking an issue is completely black and white to letting circumstances sway my stance.

In the past year, I have watched two separate TV shows with a killer antagonist. No pun intended.....yet. Both shows portray a main character who is also the "bad guy." One character is a politician who betrays everyone around him to gain power. The other is a gangster whose family controls an entire city through cutthroat bribery. Both characters are murderers. Both characters demean women. Both characters stomp all over innocent bystanders. As I watched both shows, I began to realize something. I liked  these characters.

In the midst of me mentally shaming them, I was rooting for their success. Each week I would watch these shows and make excuses for the character's behavior. Most of my excuses were made because I knew the person behind the action. Their reasoning had been explained through thoughtful script writing throughout each episode. They were no longer just evil men doing evil things.

The writers of the shows had allowed me to cozy up next to their bad guy and see the mind behind the madness. 

Empathy crept up in me as one of the characters forces a former prostitute back into her old ways to save his family's gambling business. Understanding pervaded my opinion of the other character as he commits adultery to uphold his wife's desire for political control. These two men will stop at nothing to gain their selfish and psychotic dreams, yet I find myself wanting them to be the victor. Wanting them to stay alive and make it to the next season. What does this say about me? 

When I allow my mind to convince me that I know the villain, I emasculate the evil in which their character possesses. When I know the heart behind the villain, I want to make excuses for their actions in an attempt to convince myself they aren't bad. They aren't all bad. They're just like me. And in many ways, they are. The evil of my heart isn't satisfied just dwelling inside me. It wants to own me. My inner grand jury thinks it can judge a soul by it's humanness instead of it's depravity. It thinks we're all naturally good. This is how I know I'm messed up inside. When I see evil and justify it.

And That Morning

You're waiting to be seated in a restaurant with an old friend from out of town. One of those friends you can just sit with and talk about the mundane things. Brunch conversation 101. "The last time I came to this place I was with so-and-so." Girls and untainted memories. We just can't let them go sometimes. The conversation changes and soon you're talking about something else. You look up from your phone and the blood seems to rush into your chest; heavy and cold. There he is. With her. Walking out of the restaurant. You make eye contact and quickly look down again at your phone as if nothing happened. Of course this would happen to me. Out of all the restaurants in a city of 1.2 million people.....

As soon as they are out of ear shot, I slow my breath and say, "That was so-and so that just walked out." My friend arches her neck around and stares out the restaurant window. She jokes about going and talking to him. Telling him what she thinks of him. "Are you ok?" she asks. 

You plan for these kinds of moments. Moments that involve perfectly phrased obscenities and cause broken engagements. I had mentally written the script of what I would say if I ever saw him again. In the center of my selfish existence I fantasized about a moment in which I was the victor wearing a crown studded with my own pride. A moment in which I was finally justified. But when the moment finally came, an eye twitch was all he got. The motivation was gone.

While I was sleeping, time was healing all the hatred I had bottled up. Time was changing my mind about what it means to be 'victorious' over wrongfulness. It just didn't seem important anymore. So when my friend asked, "Are you ok?" I laughed. 

I laughed. I couldn't believe the odds that I would see him just after remembering I had been to this same restaurant with him. I laughed because I no longer wanted to put him in his place or embarrass him in front of strangers. I laughed because I was happier sitting with a friend from my childhood and talking about the silliest of things that old friends talk about. I laughed because finally, I could.

"For everything there is a season...a time to cry and a time to laugh."

The Beauty of Life

I'm taking off my make-up in the most usual nightly way. I lean in closer to remove a speck of mascara on my lower eyelashes when I stop and look at my reflection. Then I see it.

Myself.

I watch my eyes looking back at me, taking in every aspect of my present reality. Moving as I subconsciously tell them to. Back and forth. Slowly. Quick. Always guiding with unmatched precision. They never mess up. There's never a system glitch with these guys.

I stop and see myself as if it were the first time. A thing of beauty. Not because I fit the mold for a culture's standard of aesthetic appeal, but because I can't help but stop and look at the complexity of the creature I find myself to be.

____________________________________

I'm in fourth grade and my mom is having a baby. She shows us pictures of what my little brother looks like inside her. She thinks the whole thing is ah-mazing. My lack of zeal in having another brother is even more subsided when I see that an extraterrestrial is living inside my mother's abdomen. Protruding forehead. Tiny limbs. Beady eyes.

I'm studying for a test a few weeks ago when I stop to look at a photo titled, "Period of the Embryo: seventh week." A slightly crystalline skin surrounds the two small black spheres that will later look identical to my own. The lucid beauty of life growing in front of me makes me hold my breath. How does it happen?

I see what my mom tried to show me all those years ago.

There is unmatched beauty in the living. When I forget to bask in the beauty of life, I forget who I am. When I forget to feel awe that I can intake everything around me through two spheres that once resembled black eyed peas, I can't glorify the One who made them.

We have become accustomed to miracles. We are so accustomed to seeing ice freeze and seeds grow and eyes blink and babies laugh. We forget it's all miracle. It really is great to be alive, when you think about it.

                         .... What a wonder it all is.

When I Think I Want to Fall in Love

    "I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it(anywhere I go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)    I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet) I want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you..."

     e.e. cummings

    I have a few confessions I need to make about love, and there is no better way to get started than with a little e.e. cummings. This poem makes me think of love. Or being in love. How awesome does this kind of love sound? Someone 'carrying your heart around' with them sounds…both weird and awesome. I realize this is a poem, and love doesn't always look so whimsical and picturesque. However, this poem is one of many illusions that my mind has created to define what love looks like. 

We write a lot of songs about love. In fact, I don't know many songs in my iTunes that don't mention love in some form. We make a lot of movies about love. We write a lot of books about love too. So for my entire life I've been exposed to these songs, movies and books and now expect that they were a reflection of real life. Why wouldn't I? This is what I see, hear and read over and over and over and over. Even my rational thinking can't avoid this kind of brainwashing. 

    The other day I found myself wondering why I want to be in love. It feels...biological.

    Sometimes I wish I could avoid the whole thing. People do really insane stuff in the name of love. Why do I want this?

   I want to be love because I've been convinced of something.

    I’ve been convinced love is all about my needs being met. A man comes along and suddenly, every whim of sadness is sucked into a vacuum and replaced with eternal ecstasy. He meets me where I am emotionally. He wants to understand me. He doesn't mind my faults and can't help but embrace me. He doesn't mind letting me have my way. In fact, he loves letting me have my way. A love like that is enticing because it's self serving. Rarely in my thoughts about wanting marriage and love do I think, “I really just want to spend my days sacrificing what I want for someone else. I just want to never think about my own itinerary and focus on another person's." 

    To be fair, I think love is like how e.e. cummings describes it in a way. It is a wonder that we cannot really put our thumb on. When you love someone you do want to know them and all their desires. However, the original idea of love wasn't by someone who wanted to receive. He wanted to give. Love doesn't make sense when it's only receiving. That's why all those songs and books and movies are.....fake. Love wants to pour itself out and not ask for a thing in return. 

When I think I want to fall in love.....I want to think again.