Even in the Valley?

When I am in despair I get desperate. When I feel like my labor is in vain I demand proof. I demand proof that God has not forgotten about me. Even if I know he is with me, I desperately want to know and be assured that good is coming soon. You can only bend so much before you break. I think that's human, even if you are a Christian. Maybe not. Maybe no one but me ever waivers in their faith, and thinks, "Did God really call me to do this? How could this be part of his plan? How can this turn out for good?" I always regret it later on though. Jesus calls it faith the "size of a mustard seed." That's me. The mustard seed.

I like to see things in black and white. I'm very logical, and I think sequentially. I think in step-by-step processes. If I do "this"..."that" will happen. It's just how it works. But God doesn't always work like that. His plans don't follow a straight line. Even as I write that, I don't know if I can believe it today. Today I can't think beyond the reality of my situation. It's been a hard day to say the least.

I'm just where God wants me. The trouble now is.....I'm tired of being here. I want the green pastures. I want to be on the mountain. I'm tired. So tired of being in the valley.

I'm just having one of those days where I think I am going to wander in the desert for the rest of my life. Maybe not my entire life, but pretty close. I can't see the Promised Land on the horizon today. Even though God's blessings are still bountiful in my life, all I can feel is my misery and doubt.

Restore me Lord so that I can say, "surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know." (Job 42:3)

"How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" Psalm 13